Wacky, hidden provisions of healthcare reform act

At 2,300 pages, including a lot of fine print, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act recently enacted into law contains some obscure provisions that you might not have heard about. Among them are the following:

  • Title I, Subtitle D, Section V, Part II, Sec. 1422 recognizes drug dealers with fewer than 50 pushers on the payroll as small businesses eligible to receive tax credits for offering health insurance to their employees.
  • Title II, Part III, Sec. 3028 removes the tonsorial “don’t ask, don’t tell” clause from previous Medicare rules, enabling the establishment of Medicare “hair panels” to identify poorly fitting toupees and to order their removal from life support.
  • Title II, Subtitle A, Sec. 2008 excludes from healthcare subsidies anyone who has any ancestor who ever immigrated to America—legally or illegally.
  • Title II, Part V, Sec. 1564 requires all physicians, hospitals and other healthcare providers to use Facebook as the exclusive platform for electronic medical records and communication with patients.
  • Title II, Subtitle A, Part I, Sec. 3009 requires all health-industry executives and lobbyists to wear funny hats and clown shoes when visiting Congressional offices or testifying before Congressional committees.
  • Title V, Subtitle C, Sec. 4208 mandates the inclusion of “socialism anxiety” and “socialism phobia” as recognized, delusional psychiatric disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
  • Title II, Subtitle D, Sec. 2305 provides funding for government sponsored sexual-health clinics. This section is known as the pubic option.
  • Title IX, Subtitle A, Sec. 9018creates a government takeover of the United States government.

Who knew? And when did they know it?