Men having access to Viagra violates my religious beliefs

I keep hearing talk about contraception and abortion and I wholeheartedly agree that something needs to be done, however the arguments I’ve heard fail to get to the root of the matter. Obviously, the primary cause of the need for contraception and abortion is the male erection. That is why it is against the beliefs of my religious order, Sisters of Saint Murray of the Flaccid Heart, for men to have erectile dysfunction medications (ED) covered under President Obama’s Affordable Health Care Act.

It is our heartfelt belief that medically assisted erections are immoral; and we refuse to be associated, in any way, with the distribution of ED pharmaceuticals. Therefore, we demand that the federal government exempt the thousands of hospitals and educational institutions owned by our religious order from having to provide ED drugs to our male employees. Why? Because drugs like Viagra encourage men to have sex other than for procreation, which (duh!) leads to the need for contraception and abortion.

According to the tenets of Sisters of Saint Murray of the Flaccid Heart, the only legitimate reason for having sex is for procreation within the sacred confines of the institution of marriage. And even then, it shouldn’t be too enjoyable. In fact, we believe that life begins at ejaculation, so obviously ejaculation outside of the intent to procreate with one’s wife is deeply immoral. And, in our religious order, we are completely and reverently pro pre-life.

Further, it is our heartfelt belief that if God wants a man to have an erection (within the sacrament of marriage) he will make it possible without pharmaceutical assistance. Besides, isn’t it obvious by now that God doesn’t want older men having erections?

Therefore, for all the above mentioned reasons, we don’t want any insurance companies or employers providing ED medications. It’s an egregious violation of our religious liberty to have millions of men out there, every day, getting ED pills through their insurance plans. This horrifies and offends us.

I, as well as others of my order, will never stop from twisting the meaning of religious liberty to get our way on this issue. Be clear. We are the victims here in this battle for morality and religious freedom because we are not being allowed to impose our religious beliefs on everyone else.

Until we get ED medication taken off the market entirely we want to make it harder for men to get. So, we feel every male who wants a Viagra prescription should have to undergo a medically unnecessary rectal ultrasound probe—just because. This will force clueless men to slow down and contemplate the harm they are doing to God, to themselves, and to society—something they are obviously not morally or intellectually capable of doing on their own.

We want to make men realize they are not, and cannot expect to be, in charge of their bodies, their sexuality, or their reproductive capacity. Their bodies belong not to themselves, but to God and to the women they are born to serve. Men are to subjugate their will to women who are naturally preordained by God to play the dominant role in all family and worldly affairs. The female religious hierarchy of my order is the voice, and interpreter, of the will of God and has the ultimate say over what men can and cannot do with their reproductive organs. (See: Sisters of Saint Murray of the Flaccid Heart, Pronouncement on the Role of Men, 2010)

If we can’t get an outright ban on men having access to ED drugs, the following measures should be instituted to make them think twice before engaging in the evil and immoral practice of medically assisted erections. In addition to the required, although medically unnecessary, rectal ultrasound probe (which we propose would not be covered by insurance), we would also suggest the following rules and regulations for receiving a prescription for Viagra, or its evil twin Cialis:

• Before being considered for a prescription, require men to have a hospital administered heart stress test and echocardiogram, (which also would not be covered by insurance).

• If, after the well deserved humiliation of the rectal probe and stress test, a man still insists on requesting a prescription for an ED drug, require a 48 hour waiting period and mandatory counseling about the moral implications involved in taking ED pills.

• Make sure there are only a few pharmacies in every state, preferably in remote rural areas, which dispense ED drugs.

• Ban any and all federal funding of erectile dysfunction medications.

• Impose a gag rule on doctors forbidding them to inform their male patients about the existence or availability of ED drugs.

• Regulate the facilities a doctor’s office must have in order to qualify to write ED prescriptions—including the size of the janitor’s closet, and color and style of window treatments.

• Ban doctor’s offices that write prescriptions for ED drugs from being within 1000 feet of a school, a playground or a house of prostitution.

• And, of course, end all insurance coverage for ED drugs.

Our order is working tirelessly to stop the insidious spread of ED drugs. To join us in this effort, send your donation to www.sistersof saintmurrayoftheflaccidheart.org or directly to the author of this article.