SCOTUS: “3×5-gate” reveals justices’ thinking on health reform

For everyone trying to read the Supreme Court tea leaves after this week’s oral arguments about health care reform, the discovery of a pile of crumpled 3″x 5″ index cards in the trash can of a Supreme Court break room offers some major insights into the justices’ legal thought processes and reactions to the complex legal arguments presented by proponents and opponents of the historic law.

Claiming that she thought they might have some historical significance and that she couldn’t decipher the scribbled notes herself, the janitor who found them turned the index cards over to MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, whose crack team of experts reportedly spent minutes poring over them and matching handwriting styles to justices. The results, leaked exclusively to Occasional Planet earlier today, reveal some of the big questions that were concerning the Supreme Court justices during what must have been a grueling, three-days of oral arguments.

Justice Antonin Scalia: “Do you really expect us to read this entire bill before ruling on it? Really?”

Chief Justice John Roberts:  Just wondering if a Pinot Grigot would  be a suitable choice to accompany the lobster bisque my wife is preparing?

Justice Elana Kagan: Talmudically speaking, for the Passover seder, is it okay to substitute vegetable broth for chicken stock in the matzo ball soup?

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Does this lace collar make me look fat?

Justice Anthony Kennedy: Coke or Pepsi?

Justice Steven Breyer:  Do you think that guy on Downton Abbey actually had amnesia, or what?

Justice Samuel Alito: What’s a seven letter word for a former Soviet Socialist Republic, with L as the third letter?

Justice Sonia Sotomayor: With Pettite and Sabathia in the pitching rotation this year, do you think the Yankees can go all the way to the World Series?

Justice Clarence Thomas:  If a pubic hair falls into a can of Coke in a forest and no one sees it, is it still Anita Hill’s fault?