Trump’s April 1 lawsuit barrage

Trump lawsuitsDonald Trump has repeatedly threatened to sue people and organizations that he believes have treated him unfairly.

Today–April 1, 2016– he is making good on those threats, filing a barrage of lawsuits in courts all over the United States. Here are some of them:

Trump v Trump:

Claiming that his primary campaign funder has been too miserly, and has withheld too much of his net worth of $10 billion, plaintiff Trump is suing himself for an additional $40 million dollars he says he promised himself when he launched his campaign. Defendant Trump says he never said that.

Trump v Soleil:

Seeking $20 million in damages, Trump is accusing his tanning spa for using a faulty array of ultra-violet lights in his tanning bed, resulting in a skin color that does not occur in nature, [too close in hue, he adds, to that of John Boehner] and creating a vast white, raccoon-like area around his eyes.

Trump v Vagina:

In this suit filed in domestic court, Trump asserts that women—who he loves, and who love him, by the way, okay?—are hurting his reputation: their petty need to be treated with dignity, and their demands for reproductive rights have driven him crazy and forced him to lash out and make misogynistic statements. He is suing the entire female gender for libel and is demanding that all women—not just those who have abortions—be subjected to “some kind of punishment.”

Trump v Clinton/Sanders: 

Although Trump does not ask for specific financial compensation in this suit, he is suing Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for being smarter, more informed, and more coherent speakers than him, thus making him look like an idiot by comparison. Trump has determined that he cannot successfully make this claim against his Republican opponents.

Trump v Cooper:

After CNN’s Anderson Cooper characterized Trump’s answer to a question as “a 5-year-old’s response,” Trump filed a lawsuit whose text said, in its entirety: “I know you are, but what am I? Nanny nanny boo boo. I’m telling Mom. And anyway, he started it.”

Res ipse dixit.