Donald Trump has repeatedly threatened to sue people and organizations that he believes have treated him unfairly.

Today–April 1, 2016– he is making good on those threats, filing a barrage of lawsuits in courts all over the United States. Here are some of them:

Trump v Trump:

Claiming that his primary campaign funder has been too miserly, and has withheld too much of his net worth of $10 billion, plaintiff Trump is suing himself for an additional $40 million dollars he says he promised himself when he launched his campaign. Defendant Trump says he never said that.

Trump v Soleil:

Seeking $20 million in damages, Trump is accusing his tanning spa for using a faulty array of ultra-violet lights in his tanning bed, resulting in a skin color that does not occur in nature, [too close in hue, he adds, to that of John Boehner] and creating a vast white, raccoon-like area around his eyes.

Trump v Vagina:

In this suit filed in domestic court, Trump asserts that women—who he loves, and who love him, by the way, okay?—are hurting his reputation: their petty need to be treated with dignity, and their demands for reproductive rights have driven him crazy and forced him to lash out and make misogynistic statements. He is suing the entire female gender for libel and is demanding that all women—not just those who have abortions—be subjected to “some kind of punishment.”

Trump v Clinton/Sanders: 

Although Trump does not ask for specific financial compensation in this suit, he is suing Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for being smarter, more informed, and more coherent speakers than him, thus making him look like an idiot by comparison. Trump has determined that he cannot successfully make this claim against his Republican opponents.

Trump v Cooper:

After CNN’s Anderson Cooper characterized Trump’s answer to a question as “a 5-year-old’s response,” Trump filed a lawsuit whose text said, in its entirety: “I know you are, but what am I? Nanny nanny boo boo. I’m telling Mom. And anyway, he started it.”

Res ipse dixit.

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Former Vice President Al Gore met with Congressional leaders today to propose the Scientific Freedom Restoration Act. The purpose of the bill is to ensure that science, scientific research, and evidence-based policies receive the same consideration given to ideas, school lesson plans, laws and policies based on religious teachings and beliefs.

Since beginning his crusade against human-created climate change, Gore has been repeatedly criticized by climate-change deniers, who claim that the Earth is only 5,000 years old and that God alone is responsible for all climate events.

Provisions of the proposed bill include:
-The restoration of the term “science” in all elementary, middle- and high-school textbooks.

– A “Flat Earth” clause, imposing penalties on holders of FCC licenses for presenting, in news reports, religious-based ideas as being equivalent to scientific evidence.

-Prohibition of discrimination against scientists and lay people who espouse facts. [This provision is intended to prevent businesses–particularly in Indiana–from refusing to serve people who accept the validity of science.]

“Enough, already, with the crazy, religious arguments against climate change,” said Gore today at a press conference. The rest of his statement could not be heard over the stampede of reporters hurriedly departing when their Twitter feeds suddenly lit up with the announcement that Jesus Christ was about to make an appearance on the Washington, DC Mall.

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A recent report from a subsidiary of Wikileaks has blown the lid off some shocking secret plans for America’s three wars. Unfortunately, no mainstream news outlet has picked them up, because they don’t involve Charlie Sheen. Here are excerpts from the report:

Secret plan 1:

While President Obama has denied any intent to overthrow the Libyan dictator, a small but influential cadre of military planners and orthographers are planning to assassinate Colonel Muammar Kaddafi because it has become impossible to deal with someone whose name no one in the English-speaking world knows how to spell.

Secret plan 2:

Younger military officers, with the encouragement of a radical wing of the military-carto-textbook complex, also have a secret plan for the post-Kaddafi [“Qadaffi?” “Gaddafi?” Whatever] era. Under Plan L, regime change would also result in name change, ending, once and for all, the confusion in America’s military academies, between Libya and Liberia, while creating jobs for mapmakers and a new market for revised geography texts. A secret stockpile of the soon-to-be-classic “Our Wonderful, Wonderful World of Maps about Us” [Real American Patriot Publishing, TX, $50] is reportedly awaiting the proper historical moment for release, with the former Libya renamed, more descriptively, “Oilland.”

Secret plan 3:

Now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is history, the new gay majority in the military can unleash a plan it has been hatching for nearly a decade: a cultural coup d’etat in Afghanistan. Gay military fashionistas are intent on conquering and occupying Afghanistan, taking over its garment industry and creating a more fabulous military uniform for American soldiers. The new attire would feature flowing robes, loose-fitting trousers, thickly woven scarves and ropey headgear. Anticipating a worldwide civilian craze for “Taliban Chic,” they are already in negotiations to launch Project Runway-Kabul.

Secret plan 4:

According to an anonymous source, who declined to be identified for this report because he/she doesn’t want to be identified for this report and may not exist at all, a plan is in the works to create the Middle East’s first casinocracy in Iraq. Emboldened by their successful roll-of-the-dice, in which they bet on the gullibility of the American people in supporting the US invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and other Iraq-war architects see establishing a gambling mecca in Iraq as a logical next step. The Iraqi “government” has agreed to abolish taxes and fund all future government programs with money lost by suckers citizens in the 100 about-to-be-built gaming centers that will float along the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, in an homage to traditional American values. Headliners in the casino’s lounges are rumored to include Andy Williams, Tony Orlando and Yakov Smirnov, for whom their agent—former US General David Petraeus—is reportedly predicting career surges as they perform for people who have no idea how long they’ve been around. Sand-breaking is slated to begin later this year.

Secret plan 5:

In another conflict-related development, financial insiders are quietly notifying investors about a steady uptick in a stock whose symbol is DIS. The story behind this story, as told to a friend of a Facebook friend in a text message is that an Orthodox rabbi, a fundamentalist Christian minister and a mullah walked into a yogurt bar in Buena Vista, Florida 25 years ago. The minister said, “Jesus told me to try Epcot, and I did. I love Epcot.”  “Epcot?” said the rabbi, “I prefer the peach-mango. But I must say that I’m all fahklempt from my visit to the Magic Kingdom.“  To which the mullah replied, “I find myself agreeing with both of you, my brothers. If only we could get along so well in the Holy Land. Inshallah.”

Which, according to apocryphal reports, was the beginning of a secret, interfaith plan to alleviate more than 60 years of tension in the State of Israel: a plan to withdraw all political and religious entities from the city considered holy to all three religions, turn over the rights to the Disney Corporation, and create Jerusalemland. The plan calls for replacing the contentious area with a simulated, sanitized, admission-by-ticket holy city, with costumed characters portraying famous Arabs, Christians and Jews, beeper-controlled lines for praying at exact replicas of the Wailing Wall, the Dome of the Rock and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, a prayer-themed ride called “It’s a Small Mosque After All,” and a daily musical March of the Saints and Martyrs of all faiths and cultures.

With progress toward a political settlement between Israel and the Palestinian Authority at a typical standstill, the Disney plan is gaining popularity, political traction and Wall Street buzz. An unnamed Disney spokesperson recently revealed that the company will soon launch a  website that will take pre-opening reservations for Lunch with Mohammed, Jesus and/or Moses.

Full details of these plans are available at the Center for Reporting About Peace.

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At 2,300 pages, including a lot of fine print, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act recently enacted into law contains some obscure provisions that you might not have heard about. Among them are the following:

• Title I, Subtitle D, Section V, Part II, Sec. 1422 recognizes drug dealers with fewer than 50 pushers on the payroll as small businesses eligible to receive tax credits for offering health insurance to their employees.
• Title II, Part III, Sec. 3028 removes the tonsorial “don’t ask, don’t tell” clause from previous Medicare rules, enabling the establishment of Medicare “hair panels” to identify poorly fitting toupees and to order their removal from life support.
• Title II, Subtitle A, Sec. 2008 excludes from healthcare subsidies anyone who has any ancestor who ever immigrated to America—legally or illegally.
• Title II, Part V, Sec. 1564 requires all physicians, hospitals and other healthcare providers to use Facebook as the exclusive platform for electronic medical records and communication with patients.
• Title II, Subtitle A, Part I, Sec. 3009 requires all health-industry executives and lobbyists to wear funny hats and clown shoes when visiting Congressional offices or testifying before Congressional committees.
• Title V, Subtitle C, Sec. 4208 mandates the inclusion of “socialism anxiety” and “socialism phobia” as recognized, delusional psychiatric disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).
• Title II, Subtitle D, Sec. 2305 provides funding for government sponsored sexual-health clinics. This section is known as the pubic option.
• Title IX, Subtitle A, Sec. 9018creates a government takeover of the United States government.

Who knew? And when did they know it?

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