Let’s play “Political gifts I wish I could give this Christmas.” I have compiled a list of things that would give me a measure of satisfaction to present to some of this year’s political headline-makers. Donald Trump has a head start on me, though: He has already delivered–in the form of many of his cabinet nominations–a very traditional Christmas gift: fruitcakes.

Here’s my list, in no particular order:

To Kellyanne Conway: Truth serum

To Hillary Clinton: A do-over

To Paul Ryan: A spine transplant

To Nancy Pelosi: A Democratic majority

To Rachel Maddow: Smug remover

To Barack Obama: 4 more years

To Ben Carson: A padded cell

To Bernie Sanders: California

To Elizabeth Warren: The 2020 Presidential nomination

To Sean Hannity/Joe Scarborough/Bill O’Reilly: A permanent mute button

To Trump’s adult children: An ethics gene

To Rick Perry: Oops, I forgot what I wanted to give him

To CNN: A kick in the ass

To FBI Director James Comey: Oh, gee, I have some stuff I’ve been digging up for him, but I’m not sure about the appropriate timing. Oh, wait, I know–I’ll give it to him at time when it will do maximum damage to his reputation.

To Vladimir Putin: A coup d’etat

To the citizens of Syria: Anyone but Assad

To Donald Trump: A come-uppance [hopefully accompanied by a good-riddance]

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