Recently, there has been considerable talk about apologies. It occurred to me that it might be a good idea if we had an American Idol type show in which we assessed the apologies that celebrities offer when left with no alternative.

Let’s establish a couple of guidelines before we begin the Idol competition. First, let’s clarify the kind of apology that is essentially worthless. It’s also the most frequent kind of apology.

It goes like this, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

This one gets you no points. Such an “apology” involves no acknowledgement of responsibility. It’s the other person’s fault for not having the strength of character to accept a legitimate comment that directly or indirectly references them.

Perhaps the most widelyread recent non-apology is Rush Limbaugh’s offering to Georgetown Law Student Sandra Fluke, after calling her a slut and a prostitute on the air. His reasoning: Ms. Fluke testified before Congress in favor of contraceptives being included as part of a health care package for students.

“For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity, three hours a day, five days a week. In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation. I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.

I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times, we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress. I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability? Where do we draw the line? If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit? In my monologue, I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone’s bedroom nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level.

My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.”

This is a 191-word so-called apology. Only 55 of those words express any degree of regret on his part. And those 55 words include phrases like “I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke” and “My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir. I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.”

This is very similar to the “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” type non-apology. Mr. Limbaugh only expresses regret about the words that he used that might have hurtful to Ms. Fluke (with an underlying message of “if she had been a stronger person, these words would not have bothered her.”).

None of Mr. Limbaugh’s 191 words involve acknowledgement on his part of the content of what he said. He does not acknowledge that (a) he clearly did not understand how birth control pills work, and (b) there is no correlation between whether or not a woman takes birth control bills and promiscuity. He only sees it as a misunderstanding; not as a misbegotten thought on his part.

A real apology is one in which the alleged perpetrator takes responsibility for his or her actions. For example, take David Letterman’s apology on national television after he had been cheating on his wife, having sex with female members of his staff. His words included:

“I’ve got my work cut out for me.”

“I’m terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. I just wasn’t thinking ahead.” He then thanked his staff for being supportive and “putting up with something stupid I’ve gotten myself involved in.”

“When something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. And at that point there’s only two things that can happen: either you’re going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you’re going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed.”

If Rush Limbaugh and David Letterman were the finalists in “American Apology,” you might use the form below to assess how well they did.

Or you might consider that Mr. Letterman’s sponsors stuck with him and most of Mr. Limbaugh’s have taken a hike, leaving a great deal of “dead air” on his program.

The word “apology” is somewhat of a catchall. It’s important that we have the ability to distinguish what is genuine and what is disingenuous.

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Sometimes you want to be careful to not be a “bird of a feather” with someone who is toxic. Newt Gingrich seems to have failed to get that message as he came to the defense of Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh went overboard, even for himself, on February 29, when he called Georgetown University Law student Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute” because she advocated the university including contraception in its health insurance program. Rush got in trouble because he seems to have trouble understanding that, just because a woman takes a birth control bill every day, does not mean that she has sex every day, or for that matter any day. Newt then came to his defense, blaming the whole fiasco on who else but President Obama.

So President Obama, who has been faithfully married to his wife, Michelle, for twenty years, was the target of their judgment on relationships. This came from Rush Limbaugh, who has been married four times, and Newt Gingrich who has been married three times. Is there something odd about them presenting themselves as paragons of virtue?

In the way of background, the issue of contraception has not been settled for many Republicans. Following President Obama’s announced policies to have the insurance company provide coverage for churches and other houses of worship, Republicans figured that they had a hot political issue, because fully 2% of women in the U.S. have never used contraception.

Darrell Issa (R-CA), the wealthiest member of Congress, thought that the issue was so important that he immediately called for a hearing of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee that he chairs. His goal was to better inform committee members on the president’s policy. He forgot something, perhaps not too important to him, but he excluded 51% of the nation’s population. His panel of five experts included no women.

Female members of the committee as well as most men were outraged at what was either Issa’s oversight or his intentional lack of sensitivity. As might be expected and certainly justified, House Democrats walked out of the hearing because of its one-sidedness, but only after several Democratic congresswomen were able to point out the absurdity of the situation.

Things happened rather quickly after that. Sandra Fluke, Co-President of the Georgetown Law Chapter at law Students for Reproductive Justice, was one of the women who House Democrats had wanted Issa to have testify. He refused. Democrats then held their own hearing and she was the primary witness.

She described how contraceptive coverage is not available through Georgetown University’s health insurance program because the Catholic Church is opposed to most common forms of birth control. She elaborated; the out-of-pocket cost of one year’s supply of birth control pills is approximately $1,000.

This is where Rush went off his wide-ranging reservation to the point where over one hundred forty corporate sponsors have withdrawn their support of his syndicated radio program, leaving the program with a lot of “dead air” as well as hot air. Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute.” He called for her to make sex tapes and post them online. Essentially what he said is that because she was talking the precaution of utilizing birth control pills, she was an immoral woman.

Much to his credit, President Barack Obama called Ms. Fluke and expressed his support for her bravery. He indicated that her parents must be quite proud of her. This was most important to her because her opponents had indicated that she was a disgrace to them.

In comes former House Speaker and presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich. A man with an extensive vocabulary, he seems to have difficulty knowing the meaning of “victim.” In his mind, Limbaugh was the victim. Gingrich said:

HAMILTON, Ohio – Newt Gingrich on Saturday used the flap over Rush Limbaugh’s controversial denunciations of birth-control advocate Sandra Fluke as a way to attack President Obama for acting “opportunistically” when he called the Georgetown University law student to express his disappointment over Limbaugh’s comments.

After Limbaugh described Fluke as “slut” and “prostitute” for advocating for subsidizing birth control, Obama contacted Fluke personally. Numerous conservatives and other GOP presidential candidates have rebuked Limbaugh to varying degrees, but the former House speaker said he saw the issue much differently.

“I think the president will opportunistically do anything he can,” Gingrich said in response to a reporter’s question after a rally Saturday morning in Hamilton. “I think the most important use of language in the last week has been the president’s apology to religious fanatics, and I want to stay focused on what the president has said, and I think what he said was inexcusable and is exactly the wrong policy at a time of life and death, and playing political games is irrelevant as far as I’m concerned.”

But with Rush’s advertising fleeing, the “king of gab” issued an apology, or kind of an apology. This is unusual for him. However, of the 192 words in the apology, 118 were a defense of his position. His apology was only for “word choices,” not for insulting Ms. Fluke’s integrity.

The value and validity of someone’s words are often a function of their own credibility. Where your record is significantly flawed, it is best to not judge others. Neither Rush Limbaugh nor Newt Gingrich seem to understand that on the basis of seven wives and six divorces (some very messy), they might best remain silent to issues about relationships. Perhaps their faux pas in this case would be excusable if they were isolated. But both voices of the right seem to have also failed to learn the meaning of the word “hypocrisy.” Now it is up to more American people to recognize hypocrisy when they hear it. Maybe five sponsors bolting Rush’s show will provide a little bit of a hint.

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