It seems like recently t<\/a>he entire Democratic Party platform has been framed around the concept of allyship– being an ally for the poor, racial minorities, religious minorities, immigrants, women, the LGBT community, etc. You name the group the GOP is callously attacking (everyone except straight, cis, old, Christian, rich, American, White men, really), the Democratic Party is there to be an \u201cally\u201d… and to insidiously court their vote. But are they really doing a good job of it?<\/p>\n

Dear Democrats and all other \u201callies,\u201d<\/p>\n

Dictionary.com says an ally is \u201ca person who associates or cooperates with another; supporter.\u201d I mean, I guess that\u2019s not wrong…<\/em> but it\u2019s not exactly right, either. In terms of social justice, an ally is someone who isn\u2019t a part of a marginalized or oppressed group, but is working with them for the good of that community. They believe in the importance of the struggle for justice and are willing to use their privilege to further the cause. (Primers on privilege, oppression, and marginalization <\/em>here<\/em><\/a> and <\/em>here<\/em><\/a>; on microaggressions and prejudice <\/em>here<\/em><\/a>)<\/em><\/p>\n

In theory, allies are able to sometimes communicate messages people are more willing to hear because people with privilege can more easily stomach lessons on privilege and prejudice from someone else with privilege. So White people can tell other White people they\u2019re being racist without being accused of just being an \u201cangry Black person.\u201d A middle\/upper class person can explain the importance of welfare to another middle\/upper class person without being accused of just wanting handouts or being a social loafer. A man can explain to another man why sexism hurts without being told it\u2019s \u201cjust your time of the month.\u201d For whatever reason, ideas about ending prejudice just seem more valid from the mouth of someone with privilege. (This Daily Show with Jon Stewart clip<\/a> nicely illustrates my point).<\/p>\n

But in practice, a lot of allies are problematic. Because bad allies can be worse than your opponents– they\u2019re supposed to be on \u201cyour side\u201d but they\u2019re not really acting like it. Think of a struggle for social justice like an actual battle. If your military allies are just horrible fighters– if you\u2019re spending all your time and resources educating them how to use the weapons and keeping them from hurting themselves– or they\u2019re ridiculously bossy and co-opt all the decision-making processes– they undermine your efforts and decide that they\u2019re <\/em>the expert on the issue rather than you who has been struggling through it your entire life– or they start working hard and then right when it gets tough, throw in the towel, leaving you to do more than your fair share… you might decide they\u2019re doing more harm than good and that you\u2019re better off without the alliance.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m no longer convinced there\u2019s any such thing as a perfect ally because we\u2019re human and we make mistakes (a lot). We\u2019re also socialized creatures and our privileges tend to interfere with our social justice concerns. But that doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t struggle through our mistakes and misconceptions to at least try <\/em>to be a good ally. Here are a few tips I\u2019ve picked up on being a better ally to any struggle:<\/p>\n

Recognize that you will make mistakes, and apologize when you do.<\/strong>
\nYou will make mistakes. Guaranteed. You will be microaggressive, you will make poor decisions, you will just generally do something dumb. The important thing is you apologize when you\u2019ve made a mistake and make a point to not <\/em>do that thing again. Be accountable.<\/p>\n

If you use microaggressive language, for instance, don\u2019t argue with the person who points it out that it\u2019s \u201cnot what you meant\u201d or that they\u2019re \u201ctaking it the wrong way.\u201d Frankly, it doesn\u2019t matter what you meant to say or do; only impact <\/em>really matters. And if the impact was hurtful, apologize, learn from your mistake, and make an active decision not to do it again.<\/p>\n

Hillary, for your mishandling of the \u201csuperpredator\u201d comment<\/a>, read this section again.<\/p>\n

Understand your own privilege. <\/strong>You can\u2019t be an effective ally if you don\u2019t understand your own place in the struggle. That means recognizing your privilege and how it works. That also means being comfortable with the fact that you have that privilege so that you can use it for the benefit of those who don\u2019t. (Super cool Buzzfeed article on this here<\/a>)<\/p>\n

Understand that having privilege doesn\u2019t mean you didn\u2019t work hard, doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t struggle through things as well, and it isn\u2019t an accusation; privilege means there are certain things you don\u2019t have to confront because of an identity you were born with. Understand so that rather than people spending their time educating you, they can spend it making change. Remember: if you have privilege, you are– by default– part of the problem. It\u2019s up to you to do something about it. Don\u2019t feel bad\/guilty\/sorry; do something<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Bernie and Hillary: actually using the word \u201cprivilege\u201d<\/a> when talking about it would be really helpful.<\/p>\n

Listen. Listen. Listen.
\n<\/strong>If you\u2019re an ally, your job is to use your privilege for the benefit of those without it. That means you don\u2019t know what it\u2019s like to not have privilege. <\/em>To try to learn what that\u2019s like, you have to listen.<\/p>\n

You need to educate yourself. That requires listening to those people who live it day in and day out. You are not the expert. You will never be the expert. That\u2019s not your job. Listen and learn.<\/a> There are so many<\/em> resources out there (what with the Internet and all) that can help you educate yourself, but you have to recognize your need to learn and take the initiative to do it.<\/p>\n

But this does come with a careful caveat. Listening shouldn\u2019t devolve into tokenizing<\/a>. Remember that no one person can act as the mouthpiece for their entire \u201cpeople\u201d and shouldn\u2019t be asked to do so. No group is a monolithic, homogenous entity; every group features rich diversity. Recognize that when you\u2019re educating yourself.<\/p>\n

Bernie and Hillary, you\u2019ve both evolved in your understanding of #BlackLivesMatter<\/a> after trying to listen to the movement, but there\u2019s still room for you both to grow; Hillary, you a little more so.<\/p>\n

If you are an ally, your job is not to co-opt the space– absolutely NOT. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Regarding allyship with Muslims, Zoha Qamar says<\/a>: \u201cYou are here to speak UP, not OVER… Just listen. It is the foundation of allyship.\u201d Let me just repeat that: up, NOT over. That difference often comes down to whether you are silencing the voices of the community or whether you are, at their behest<\/em>, helping to amplify them.<\/p>\n

Regarding allyship with trans folk, Hari Ziyad writes<\/a>:<\/p>\n

\u201cSpeaking for trans people when they can speak for themselves further robs them of an often disallowed platform and voice… It also insinuated that I [an ally] can say better what they can about their own lives, or that it is more important coming from me. It reinforced the idea that a non-trans person\u2019s existence has more meaning, the very thing a person seeking solidarity should be fighting against.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

If you are an ally, you need to defer to the decisions and the wishes of the marginalized group engaging in the struggle. \u00a0It\u2019s difficult because according to society, you are in control (that\u2019s privilege); but if you\u2019re being a good ally, you\u2019re deferring to others and giving them control. Your job is not to be in a leadership position making decisions on their behalf. Because, again, you– a person of privilege– haven\u2019t experienced the struggle.<\/p>\n

You will never fully understand the struggle of an individual facing prejudice, and you should never pretend that you do.
\n<\/strong>No matter how passionate you are about the issue, no matter how much literature you\u2019ve read on it, no matter how long you\u2019ve been involved with the cause– you don\u2019t understand <\/em>what it\u2019s like to live without that privilege. Logically, theoretically, you might \u201cget it.\u201d But it\u2019s still just an intellectual curiosity without the experiential component. Having privilege means that you don\u2019t have the life experiences of living with prejudice.<\/p>\n

Qamar says<\/a>: Sympathy, not empathy.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour support is key, but in your sympathy, please don\u2019t pretend to be exercising empathy. It\u2019s really simple: if you\u2019re not Muslim, you don\u2019t know how it feels to be Muslim… Acting like you completely get the issues at hand may illustrate you as trivializing or narcissistic, and thus alienate you in ways. Just avoid it… There are so many ways to show sympathy without fabricating your version of empathy into the equation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Bernie\u2019s trying to wrap his head around that with his commentary that White people can\u2019t understand racialized poverty<\/a> but still mistakes Black=poor=ghetto (which is a fallacy).<\/p>\n

Frankly, a lot of being an ally is just being ready to stand up to the bullsh*t. <\/strong>You have to have a zero <\/em>tolerance policy for prejudice. And that means BS from Drumpf\/Cruz\/Rubio, but also your good friend Bob. Which can be uncomfortable, but it\u2019s really important. Because think how much more uncomfortable it would be if the prejudice was actually directed at <\/em>you.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it\u2019s unsafe for the people who directly face the prejudice to confront it themselves. Sometimes it\u2019s really just too emotionally exhausting to confront it. Plus, sometimes people are willing to say something prejudiced to another person of privilege that they would never say to anyone else. For instance, the \u201cdiet racist\u201d<\/a> won\u2019t actually say the horridly racist thing they\u2019re thinking… until they sidle up to another White person and spill it all out. It\u2019s critically important that you make it very clear that you won\u2019t stand for that prejudice and explain why it\u2019s wrong.<\/p>\n

Also! FYI: it\u2019s not \u201cjust a joke.\u201d It\u2019s never \u201cjust a joke.\u201d It\u2019s something that makes a space hostile, dangerous, and threatening. That\u2019s not an excuse for prejudice.<\/p>\n

Qamar on stopping BS:<\/p>\n

\u201cCall it and kill it. Don\u2019t stand for it. This applies especially to halting hate-talk by people within your own racial sphere and realm of privilege. Read: white allies, shut shit DOWN. Please. There is so much utter intolerance spewing from so many kinds of people on so many kinds of platforms. Your objection and denouncement could hold a very serious hand in halting much of this hate.\u201d<\/p>\n

And finally, being an ally isn\u2019t an identity, noun, or hobby.<\/strong> It has to be an active, on-going thing. A verb. Allyship requires continuous deliberate action. As an ally with privilege, society has given you the opportunity to defer your allyship to tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next year– or never again– and you won\u2019t suffer for it. As a good ally, it\u2019s your responsibility to continue to be an ally even when it isn\u2019t \u201cconvenient\u201d for you.<\/p>\n

Part of that is not giving up or backing down even when it\u2019s tough. Because if you\u2019re facing prejudice, you can\u2019t just bow out and decide \u201cmeh, I\u2019m not feeling like being Brown\/Black\/female\/trans\/Muslim\/impoverished\/etc. today.\u201d That\u2019s not how it works. And if you\u2019re trying to be a good ally, recognize that. And then keep going.<\/p>\n

But that also means that you continue to actively improve your allyship. If someone says you did something crappy or that you\u2019re being a bad ally, don\u2019t be defensive. This goes back to my first point: you\u2019re going to make mistakes– it\u2019s inevitable. You have to learn from them. Own up to your mistakes. When someone says that what you\u2019re doing is problematic or that it hurts\/offends them, don\u2019t tell them they\u2019re wrong. Apologize, ask what you could be doing better, and then do it. <\/em><\/p>\n

Bernie, Hillary– whoever ends up in office (because I\u2019m praying it\u2019s not any of the GOP candidates)– make good on your campaign promises. Make more promises, better promises. And deliver. Constantly.<\/p>\n

Now, a lot of other people have plenty of other tips for allies or have said some of the same stuff as I have in other words or in the context of other struggles; you should check out the previously mentioned links and also this awesome video<\/a>, this GLAAD resource<\/a>, and this fabulous how-to guide<\/a>.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s no such thing as a perfect ally. But that doesn\u2019t mean we stop trying.<\/p>\n

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