In the world outside Washington DC, Halloween officially rolls around just once a year. But inside the Beltway, the political funhouse is open for business 24\/7\/365. In fact, Halloween-y activities are pretty much the norm in the Capitol: Scary stories [\u201cIllegal immigrants are taking away our jobs!\u201d]. Goodie bags [filled by lobbyists with checks, cash, football tickets and packages of self-serving legislative language]. Disguises [We hear that Blue Dog costumes are quite popular this season]. \u00a0And, of course, tricks [Beware the ghost of Lee Atwater].<\/p>\n

So, get out your Google map and follow along as we go trick-or-treating through the 2010 political neighborhood.<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Your required first stop is at the office of self-appointed legislative gatekeeper Senator Jim DeMint [R-SC], who has issued the following statement:\u00a0 \u201cNo trick-or-treater will be allowed to proceed onto the floor of the US Senate until approved by this office.\u201d [DeMint is also rumored to be giving out dog whistles, but if you have to ask for one, you don’t qualify.]
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Optional road trip to Delaware, where Senate hopeful Christine O\u2019Donnell\u2014the only self-confessed witchcraft dabbler currently running for federal office\u2014will demonstrate her skills, magically separating \u201cseparation of church and state\u201d from the First Amendment, filling your head with bogus arguments and handing out fake college credentials for your resume.<\/span><\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Continue on to 1605 Longworth House Office Building, where Congressman Alan Grayson [D-FL] will tell you the scary \u201ctruth\u201d about Republicans\u2019 health-care agenda. [Spoiler alert: \u201cThey want you to die sooner.\u201d]<\/span><\/p>\n

4.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 While you\u2019re in the Longworth Building, go to room 1101, and check out the Jack O\u2019Lantern. Oh, snap! It\u2019s not a pumpkin, it\u2019s Congressman John Boehner, fresh from the tanning booth.<\/span><\/p>\n

5.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Bring your treat-or-treat bag to the Democratic National Committee office at your own peril: Known in some circles as the House of the Living Dead, the place is rife with zombies who are just coming back to life in time for the November elections.<\/span><\/p>\n

6.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0Doors to avoid: the West Wing of the White House. Oh, wait\u2014it\u2019s okay: Rahm Emanuel has moved to Chicago.<\/span><\/p>\n

7.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 General word of caution: When knocking on any politician\u2019s door, beware: It\u2019s election season, which means that the skeletons are coming out of many closets.<\/span><\/p>\n

8.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Stop in at the haunted House of Representatives, where the political agendas of right-wing Congresspeople are\u00a0 causing long-gone New Deal Democrats and defunct moderate Republicans to turn in their graves.<\/span><\/p>\n

9.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Next, proceed to the Department of Defense. But be careful about how you behave there and what you take away, because what happens in the Pentagon stays in the Pentagon. So, don\u2019t ask and don\u2019t tell. Or, do ask and do tell. Or, um, \u00a0just do whatever the latest court ruling tells you to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

10.\u00a0\u00a0 Finally, want to see something REALLY scary? Take a side trip to the California campaign headquarters of candidate Meg Whitman, and bring along an undocumented worker. Whitman will give you a frightening demonstration on how to make an illegal alien disappear.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mua-ha-ha!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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