A recent report from a subsidiary of Wikileaks has blown the lid off some shocking secret plans for America\u2019s three wars. Unfortunately, no mainstream news outlet has picked them up, because they don\u2019t involve Charlie Sheen. Here are excerpts from the report:<\/p>\n

Secret plan 1:<\/strong><\/p>\n

While President Obama has denied any intent to overthrow the Libyan dictator, a small but influential cadre of military planners and orthographers are planning to assassinate Colonel Muammar Kaddafi because it has become impossible to deal with someone whose name no one in the English-speaking world knows how to spell.<\/p>\n

Secret plan 2:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Younger military officers, with the encouragement of a radical wing of the military-carto-textbook complex, also have a secret plan for the post-Kaddafi [\u201cQadaffi?\u201d \u201cGaddafi?\u201d Whatever] era. Under Plan L, regime change would also result in name change, ending, once and for all, the confusion in America\u2019s military academies, between Libya and Liberia, while creating jobs for mapmakers and a new market for revised geography texts. A secret stockpile of the soon-to-be-classic \u201cOur Wonderful, Wonderful World of Maps about Us\u201d<\/em> [Real American Patriot Publishing, TX, $50] is reportedly awaiting the proper historical moment for release, with the former Libya renamed, more descriptively, \u201cOilland.\u201d<\/p>\n

Secret plan 3: <\/strong><\/p>\n

Now that Don\u2019t Ask Don\u2019t Tell is history, the new gay majority in the military can unleash a plan it has been hatching for nearly a decade: a cultural coup d\u2019etat in Afghanistan. Gay military fashionistas are intent on conquering and occupying Afghanistan, taking over its garment industry and creating a more fabulous military uniform for American soldiers. The new attire would feature flowing robes, loose-fitting trousers, thickly woven scarves and ropey headgear. Anticipating a worldwide civilian craze for \u201cTaliban Chic,\u201d they are already in negotiations to launch Project Runway-Kabul.<\/p>\n

Secret plan 4:<\/strong><\/p>\n

According to an anonymous source, who declined to be identified for this report because he\/she doesn\u2019t want to be identified for this report and may not exist at all, a plan is in the works to create the Middle East\u2019s first casinocracy in Iraq. Emboldened by their successful roll-of-the-dice, in which they bet on the gullibility of the American people in supporting the US invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and other Iraq-war architects see establishing a gambling mecca in Iraq as a logical next step. The Iraqi \u201cgovernment\u201d has agreed to abolish taxes and fund all future government programs with money lost by suckers<\/span> citizens in the 100 about-to-be-built gaming centers that will float along the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, in an homage to traditional American values. Headliners in the casino\u2019s lounges are rumored to include Andy Williams, Tony Orlando and Yakov Smirnov, for whom their agent\u2014former US General David Petraeus\u2014is reportedly predicting career surges as they perform for people who have no idea how long they\u2019ve been around. Sand-breaking is slated to begin later this year.<\/p>\n

Secret plan 5:<\/strong><\/p>\n

In another conflict-related development, financial insiders are quietly notifying investors about a steady uptick in a stock whose symbol is DIS. The story behind this story, as told to a friend of a Facebook friend in a text message is that an Orthodox rabbi, a fundamentalist Christian minister and a mullah walked into a yogurt bar in Buena Vista, Florida 25 years ago. The minister said, \u201cJesus told me to try Epcot, and I did. I love Epcot.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cEpcot?\u201d said the rabbi, \u201cI prefer the peach-mango. But I must say that I\u2019m all fahklempt from my visit to the Magic Kingdom.\u201c\u00a0 To which the mullah replied, \u201cI find myself agreeing with both of you, my brothers. If only we could get along so well in the Holy Land. Inshallah.\u201d<\/p>\n

Which, according to apocryphal reports, was the beginning of a secret, interfaith plan to alleviate more than 60 years of tension in the State of Israel: a plan to withdraw all political and religious entities from the city considered holy to all three religions, turn over the rights to the Disney Corporation, and create Jerusalemland. The plan calls for replacing the contentious area with a simulated, sanitized, admission-by-ticket holy city, with costumed characters portraying famous Arabs, Christians and Jews, beeper-controlled lines for praying at exact replicas of the Wailing Wall, the Dome of the Rock and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, a prayer-themed ride called \u201cIt\u2019s a Small Mosque After All,\u201d and a daily musical March of the Saints and Martyrs of all faiths and cultures.<\/p>\n

With progress toward a political settlement between Israel and the Palestinian Authority at a typical standstill, the Disney plan is gaining popularity, political traction and Wall Street buzz. An unnamed Disney spokesperson recently revealed that the company will soon launch a\u00a0 website that will take pre-opening reservations for Lunch with Mohammed, Jesus and\/or Moses.<\/p>\n

Full details of these plans are available at the Center for Reporting About Peace<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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