Recently the American people were treated to a moment of sweet absurdity on the floor of the United States Senate. You know what I’m talking about. It was that historic moment at 8:06 pm on September 24, 2013, that will live forever in our collective imagination. It was a moment that will prompt Americans in years to come to ask one another, “Where were you when . . .?”
It was a time when Americans across the continent rushed to pick up their remotes to change the channel, asking themselves, “ Is this C-SPAN or Comedy Central?”
How can any of us ever forget those precious, never-to-be-forgotten moments when Senator Ted Cruz went all squishy as he interrupted his non-filibuster filibuster of the healthcare law to read a bedtime story to his daughters? (Will any parent who witnessed Cruz’s stunt ever be able to read “Green Eggs and Ham” with a straight face again?)
In the interest of extending such delicious farce a little longer, here is a list of children’s books that might interest other politicians who might wake up one morning, look in the bathroom mirror, and think to themselves, “Gee, maybe it’s my turn to debase the serious work of the government. Why should Teddy be allowed to play all by himself?” So, here are suggestions for some of our favorite and not-so-favorite politicians because, who knows, Teddy might have started a trend.
Mitch McConnell. Start rehearsing “Yurtle the Turtle.”
Rand Paul. “Chicken Little” clucking “the sky is falling” will supply you with a new delusion after you’ve run out of your own.
John Boehner. Sorry, just take a glance in the mirror and then pick up “Color Me Orange.”
Paul Ryan. If being the empty vessel of the 2012 election wasn’t enough for you, why not just remind us again and read “The Emperor’s New Clothes”?
Michele Bachmann. Just give it your best witch impression and lash into “Hansel and Gretel.”
Sarah Palin. Please, spare us our national embarrassment. Stay home. Stand in front of your full-length mirror, gaze adoringly at yourself, and read “Gertrude McFuzz” to the image in the glass.
Elizabeth Warren. Let those financial bigwigs know that you’ll never give up just like the brave and plucky character in “Brave Irene.”
Bernie Sanders. How about castigating those who play the discrimination game and insist they sit through “The Sneetches” from first page to last?
Nancy Pelosi. Blast those Republicans out of the chamber with “Horton Hatches the Egg.” They’ll know what you’re talking about when you get to the part where Horton declares, “I meant what I said and I said what I meant, And an elephant’s (editor’s note: donkey’s) faithful, one hundred percent!”
Barack Obama. Why should Congress have all the fun? Leave the teleprompter in the White House. Then pick up a copy of the story of the wily and intelligent dentist of “Doctor De Soto” and his nemesis, the hungry fox. (No secret code here. We all know which party wants to swallow you whole!)