Trump’s former consigliere, Michael Cohen, is reported to be writing a tell-all book. Whether he’ll be writing in in a jail cell or at home is still not clear, as his pandemic-related release from prison was suddenly, unceremoniously, and suspiciously rescinded just days after it was announced in late April 2020.  One thing is certain, though: He’s got the goods on Trump and his circle.

This article first appeared on this site in 2018, just after to the FBI raided Trump fixer Michael Cohen’s office, home and hotel room,  where they found and seized a cache of old cell phones—sixteen cell phones, to be precise.  The parody song at the end of this post could be the theme song for his new book.

You have to wonder why Cohen held onto all of the phones. It is possible, after all, to transfer one’s contacts to a new phone. It’s possible, too, to destroy a phone and its memory, if it contains things you don’t want discovered. One could speculate that he kept them for sentimental reasons, or because he thought that someday a Blackberry would be a valuable collectors’ item. Not likely, though. A more plausible explanation would be that Cohen hung onto his old phones because they house, in their micro-memories, some important things that didn’t transfer over to the next generation of mobile phone. And what might those things be? Could they be saved voice mails and “taped” conversations with people Michael Cohen worked with? Cohen is known to record conversations—perhaps to retain them to play back in the future as embarrassing evidence or leverage, perhaps to use them as gossip fodder, or perhaps to play them for the merriment of his friends.

Whatever his reasons, the seized cell phones are now in the hands of the special master appointed to evaluate the attorney-client privilege-ness of what they and other documents contain. Are they the 21^st century equivalent of the incriminating Nixon tapes? We may never know. Suffice it to say, though, that Cohen is probably sweating—as are all the people he may have talked to over 16-phones-worth of conversations.

So, in honor of the 16-phone seizure, I’ve composed a parody of Tennesse Ernie Ford’s, “16 Tons.

Here is the original 1955 hit. My lyrics follow:

Okay, now you’ve got the melody. Here goes

“16 Phones: A Michael Cohen sing-along”

Some people say my ethics are stuck in the mud,

 I never had to worry: I had Trump as my bud.

I said I’d take the bullet if it came down to just us,

But I’m getting run over by Donald Trump’s bus.

You load 16 phones, and what do you get?

A lot of old recordings and a lot of new sweat.

Mr. Mueller don’t ya call me, and don’t harass,

I’m holed up at home tryin’ to save my own ass.

I was born a fixer, and I’m good at the game.

Bully and Sleazeball are my middle names.

The Boss trusted me with the nastiest jobs,

And I’m consigliere to the Trump family mob.

You load 16 phones, and what do you get?

A lot of old recordings and a lot of new sweat.

Mr. Mueller don’t ya call me, and don’t ask for more:

I’ve sold my soul to the Trump-any store.

I was born on Long Island, just a privileged kid,

I’m working for Trump now, and you know what I did.

I paid off some women and threatened the rest,

And now I’ve been raided, and I’m facing arrest.

You save 16 phones, and what do you get?

A lot of old recordings and a lot of new sweat.

Mr. Mueller don’t ya call me, and don’t harass:

I’m holed up at home tryin’ to save my own ass.

Some people say I’ll flip and just tell it all,

Listen, you assholes, I’m not takin’ the fall.

Shut up for a change, and try to be wise,

‘Cuz I’ve got the goods on all of you guys.

You save 16 phones, and what do you get?

A ton of old recordings and a lot of new sweat.

Mr. Mueller don’t ya call me, and don’t harass:

I’m holed up at home, tryin’ to save my own ass.

Parody lyrics, Copyright 2018, Gloria Shur Bilchik

The post 16 phones: Theme song for Michael Cohen’s tell-all book on Trump and Company appeared first on Occasional Planet.

In his first month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
A US Attorney named Preet.

In his second month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Two federal judges, and a US Attorney named Preet.

In his third month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Three top reporters, two federal judges and a US Attorney named Preet.

In his fourth month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges, and a US Attorney named Preet.

In his fifth month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges, and a US Attorney named Preet.

In his sixth month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Six Muslim countries,
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,  and a US Attorney named Preet.

In his seventh month in office he insulted with a Tweet:
Seven sexually harassed women, six Muslim countries
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,
And a US Attorney named Preet.

In his eighth month in office he insulted with a Tweet:
Eight foreign leaders, seven sexually harassed women, six Muslim countries,
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,
And a US Attorney named Preet.

In his ninth month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Nine EPA scientists, eight foreign leaders, seven sexually harassed women, six Muslim countries,
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,
And a US Attorney named Preet.

In his tenth month in office, he insulted with a Tweet:
Ten athletes kneeling, nine EPA scientists, eight foreign leaders, seven sexually harassed women, six Muslim countries,
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,
And a US Attorney named Preet.

In  his eleventh month in office he insulted with a Tweet:
Eleven close advisors, ten athletes kneeling, nine EPA scientists, eight foreign leaders, seven sexually harassed women, six Muslim countries,
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,
And a US Attorney named Preet.

In his twelfth month in office he insulted with a Tweet:
Twelve protesters marching, eleven close advisors, ten athletes kneeling, nine EPA scientists, eight foreign leaders, seven sexually harassed women, six Muslim countries,
Five Gold Star families,
Four progressive Congressmen, three top reporters, two federal judges,
And a US Attorney named Preet.

The post The twelve months of Trump [A Christmas sing-along] appeared first on Occasional Planet.

Let’s play “Political gifts I wish I could give this Christmas.” I have compiled a list of things that would give me a measure of satisfaction to present to some of this year’s political headline-makers. Donald Trump has a head start on me, though: He has already delivered–in the form of many of his cabinet nominations–a very traditional Christmas gift: fruitcakes.

Here’s my list, in no particular order:

To Kellyanne Conway: Truth serum

To Hillary Clinton: A do-over

To Paul Ryan: A spine transplant

To Nancy Pelosi: A Democratic majority

To Rachel Maddow: Smug remover

To Barack Obama: 4 more years

To Ben Carson: A padded cell

To Bernie Sanders: California

To Elizabeth Warren: The 2020 Presidential nomination

To Sean Hannity/Joe Scarborough/Bill O’Reilly: A permanent mute button

To Trump’s adult children: An ethics gene

To Rick Perry: Oops, I forgot what I wanted to give him

To CNN: A kick in the ass

To FBI Director James Comey: Oh, gee, I have some stuff I’ve been digging up for him, but I’m not sure about the appropriate timing. Oh, wait, I know–I’ll give it to him at time when it will do maximum damage to his reputation.

To Vladimir Putin: A coup d’etat

To the citizens of Syria: Anyone but Assad

To Donald Trump: A come-uppance [hopefully accompanied by a good-riddance]

The post Political gifts I wish I could give this Christmas appeared first on Occasional Planet.

Donald Trump has repeatedly threatened to sue people and organizations that he believes have treated him unfairly.

Today–April 1, 2016– he is making good on those threats, filing a barrage of lawsuits in courts all over the United States. Here are some of them:

Trump v Trump:

Claiming that his primary campaign funder has been too miserly, and has withheld too much of his net worth of $10 billion, plaintiff Trump is suing himself for an additional $40 million dollars he says he promised himself when he launched his campaign. Defendant Trump says he never said that.

Trump v Soleil:

Seeking $20 million in damages, Trump is accusing his tanning spa for using a faulty array of ultra-violet lights in his tanning bed, resulting in a skin color that does not occur in nature, [too close in hue, he adds, to that of John Boehner] and creating a vast white, raccoon-like area around his eyes.

Trump v Vagina:

In this suit filed in domestic court, Trump asserts that women—who he loves, and who love him, by the way, okay?—are hurting his reputation: their petty need to be treated with dignity, and their demands for reproductive rights have driven him crazy and forced him to lash out and make misogynistic statements. He is suing the entire female gender for libel and is demanding that all women—not just those who have abortions—be subjected to “some kind of punishment.”

Trump v Clinton/Sanders: 

Although Trump does not ask for specific financial compensation in this suit, he is suing Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders for being smarter, more informed, and more coherent speakers than him, thus making him look like an idiot by comparison. Trump has determined that he cannot successfully make this claim against his Republican opponents.

Trump v Cooper:

After CNN’s Anderson Cooper characterized Trump’s answer to a question as “a 5-year-old’s response,” Trump filed a lawsuit whose text said, in its entirety: “I know you are, but what am I? Nanny nanny boo boo. I’m telling Mom. And anyway, he started it.”

Res ipse dixit.

The post Trump’s April 1 lawsuit barrage appeared first on Occasional Planet.

Call me crazy. Call me immature. Or call me deluded. Maybe I should be called all of the above because at my age I’m not supposed to feel this blush of excitement. But here’s the embarrassing truth. I’ve got a crush on satirist Andy Borowitz.

What’s Andy got that heats up my blood? What he’s got is perfect pitch for capturing the absurd in the contemporary American psyche. Being a progressive news junkie, how can a girl resist?

Lord Byron, a consummate seducer like Andy, wrote, “Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.” If ever I find myself lucky enough to spend a few moments shooting the breeze with Andy over a slow latte, I plan to take a stab at a bit of verbal seduction. After dropping a few well-placed pearls of wisdom, I’d find just the right moment to slip Byron’s words into the conversation. I imagine Andy would smile and nod his head, surprised at my erudition and this unexpected dollop of sophistication. I’m certain that before our cups were drained and our little tryst had come to an end that Andy would find a way to let me know how much he appreciated me reminding him of Byron’s scathing, yet poetic, observation. I imagine that my seduction would have been so complete by that time that Andy would feel comfortable letting me enter into the inner sanctum of his creative process. My guess is that Andy would confide that sentiments much like Byron’s are what turn on his own creative juices when composing his satirical masterworks.

Of course, this Andy crush is a bit of fantasy. But the truth is that Borowitz sings the song of satire like no other comic or social critic out there today. Before leaving my life forever, I imagine Andy pushing back his café chair and whispering seductively that life is short, so why not embrace the satire while you can?

I say, take Andy’s advice and read his latest pitch-perfect ditty on the ebola panic and America’s fatal attraction to the fairy tales of the anti-science lotharios.

There is a deep-seated fear among some Americans that an Ebola outbreak could make the country turn to science.

In interviews conducted across the nation, leading anti-science activists expressed their concern that the American people, wracked with anxiety over the possible spread of the virus, might desperately look to science to save the day.

“It’s a very human reaction,” said Harland Dorrinson, a prominent anti-science activist from Springfield, Missouri. “If you put them under enough stress, perfectly rational people will panic and start believing in science.”

Additionally, he worries about a “slippery slope” situation, “in which a belief in science leads to a belief in math, which in turn fosters a dangerous dependence on facts.”

At the end of the day, though, Dorrinson hopes that such a doomsday scenario will not come to pass. “Time and time again through history, Americans have been exposed to science and refused to accept it,” he said. “I pray that this time will be no different.”

The post I’ve got a crush on you, Andy Borowitz appeared first on Occasional Planet.

There’ s a politically relevant quote hiding behind this teaser. When you see the full quote, you may be surprised to learn who said it, but you’ll have to figure out the source out by choosing from a multiple-choice list. It’s a quiz!

You’ll find the full quote and the expanded illustration below.

It’s part of Occasional Planet’s long-running series of quotes–contemporary and historical–that are pertinent to the current political environment. Our illustrator is Christopher Burke, whose quirky cartoons add a touch of whimsy. Scroll down to see the complete quote and Christopher’s  full illustration. To see a gallery of previously published “click quotes,” click here.

The post Political quotes: Who said this? appeared first on Occasional Planet.

Who says voting can’t be entertaining? Here are some of the more unusual ballot measures that will be slowing up the already long-enough lines in the 2012 Presidential election:

Condoms for porn stars

Voters in Los Angeles County, California will get a chance to vote on whether actors in porn movies filmed in L.A. County must wear condoms and practice safe sex on camera. The Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act – also known as Measure B – is a response to ongoing stories about outbreaks of sexually transmitted diseases among workers in one of Southern California’s most lucrative industries.

Whose Grand Canyon is it, anyway?

In Arizona, state-sovereignty advocates are sponsoring Proposition 120, which declares the state’s “sovereign and exclusive authority and jurisdiction over the air, water, public lands, minerals, wildlife and other natural resources within its boundaries.” This idea has prompted Salon to ask if the state is attempting to wrest control of the Grand Canyon from the federal government.

Corps ain’t peeps, at least not around here

In Northern California, the city of Arcata is has Proposition H, declaring that corporations are not persons. If passed, within the City of Arcata, corporations would not be treated as “natural persons and are not entitled to the protections granted by the United States Constitution to natural persons.” The stated purpose of this initiative is a long-term goal of changing federal and/or state law to be consistent with this understanding of corporations.

Don’t be cruel

In North Dakota, Measure 5 takes aim at those who inflict harm on cats, dogs or horses. According to WDAZ.com, “the measure provides a possible five-year prison term for extreme cruelty to cats, dogs and horses. It lists beating, poisoning, burning, suffocating and crushing as examples of extreme cruelty. The measure says anyone convicted of felony animal cruelty could be barred from owning a cat, dog or horse for up to five years.”

Change redistricting, um, never mind

This should help speed things up in California: a ballot measure that voters can skip over, because it’s original sponsors decided that they don’t actually support it after all. I’ll leave it to a more knowledgeable Daily Kos blogger to explain it all for us:

Proposition 40. This one is funny, precisely because it’s so sad. This measure is ultimately an outgrowth of the new redistricting policy we have in California, where a so-called “Citizens’ Redistricting Commission” draws all the lines. When the maps for the new state Senate maps were drafted, Republicans felt that the new map would be much worse for them than the old map…But after the measure made it to the ballot, the Republicans realized that—oops!—the new maps weren’t so bad for them after all, so now they’re declining to campaign for the measure that they themselves put on the ballot. This measure is slightly confusing, however, because a “yes” vote keeps the new maps, while a “no vote” throws them out.

On the beach?

Hoping to attract tourists and, possibly, a hotel development, the city of  Guadalupe, California is asking voters to decided whether the city should change its name to Guadalupe Beach. There’s only one small problem: Guadalupe is not a seaside town. The Pacific Ocean is five miles west of the city.

The post Wackiest ballot measures of 2012 appeared first on Occasional Planet.

Each one of the donors kicked in 50 grand,

To hear where their candidate’s policies stand.

He gave them an earful, but he didn’t know

That his thoughts would end up on the R. Maddow Show.

While dishes were clinking and donors were drinking,

Romney showed off the depth of his thinking.

From welfare to terror to weapons deployment,

He served up some gems, which are causing annoy-ment.

“Half of the country are moochers,” he quoted,

And all of those deadbeats–we know how they voted.”

“Running for Prez is such a great fuss:

Being Latino would be a huge plus.”

“With Arabs and Jews at a hopeless impasse,

My intention is to just sit on my ass.”

And, while divvying us up into have and have-not,

He revealed his idea for a terrorist plot.

When the tape was revealed, and met with disdain,

There was no Mitt apology,  just this refrain:

“I meant what I said, and I said what I meant:

I don’t give a shit for the 47 percent.”

The post Lttle ditty ’bout Mitt on tape appeared first on Occasional Planet.

A recent report from a subsidiary of Wikileaks has blown the lid off some shocking secret plans for America’s three wars. Unfortunately, no mainstream news outlet has picked them up, because they don’t involve Charlie Sheen. Here are excerpts from the report:

Secret plan 1:

While President Obama has denied any intent to overthrow the Libyan dictator, a small but influential cadre of military planners and orthographers are planning to assassinate Colonel Muammar Kaddafi because it has become impossible to deal with someone whose name no one in the English-speaking world knows how to spell.

Secret plan 2:

Younger military officers, with the encouragement of a radical wing of the military-carto-textbook complex, also have a secret plan for the post-Kaddafi [“Qadaffi?” “Gaddafi?” Whatever] era. Under Plan L, regime change would also result in name change, ending, once and for all, the confusion in America’s military academies, between Libya and Liberia, while creating jobs for mapmakers and a new market for revised geography texts. A secret stockpile of the soon-to-be-classic “Our Wonderful, Wonderful World of Maps about Us” [Real American Patriot Publishing, TX, $50] is reportedly awaiting the proper historical moment for release, with the former Libya renamed, more descriptively, “Oilland.”

Secret plan 3:

Now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is history, the new gay majority in the military can unleash a plan it has been hatching for nearly a decade: a cultural coup d’etat in Afghanistan. Gay military fashionistas are intent on conquering and occupying Afghanistan, taking over its garment industry and creating a more fabulous military uniform for American soldiers. The new attire would feature flowing robes, loose-fitting trousers, thickly woven scarves and ropey headgear. Anticipating a worldwide civilian craze for “Taliban Chic,” they are already in negotiations to launch Project Runway-Kabul.

Secret plan 4:

According to an anonymous source, who declined to be identified for this report because he/she doesn’t want to be identified for this report and may not exist at all, a plan is in the works to create the Middle East’s first casinocracy in Iraq. Emboldened by their successful roll-of-the-dice, in which they bet on the gullibility of the American people in supporting the US invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and other Iraq-war architects see establishing a gambling mecca in Iraq as a logical next step. The Iraqi “government” has agreed to abolish taxes and fund all future government programs with money lost by suckers citizens in the 100 about-to-be-built gaming centers that will float along the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, in an homage to traditional American values. Headliners in the casino’s lounges are rumored to include Andy Williams, Tony Orlando and Yakov Smirnov, for whom their agent—former US General David Petraeus—is reportedly predicting career surges as they perform for people who have no idea how long they’ve been around. Sand-breaking is slated to begin later this year.

Secret plan 5:

In another conflict-related development, financial insiders are quietly notifying investors about a steady uptick in a stock whose symbol is DIS. The story behind this story, as told to a friend of a Facebook friend in a text message is that an Orthodox rabbi, a fundamentalist Christian minister and a mullah walked into a yogurt bar in Buena Vista, Florida 25 years ago. The minister said, “Jesus told me to try Epcot, and I did. I love Epcot.”  “Epcot?” said the rabbi, “I prefer the peach-mango. But I must say that I’m all fahklempt from my visit to the Magic Kingdom.“  To which the mullah replied, “I find myself agreeing with both of you, my brothers. If only we could get along so well in the Holy Land. Inshallah.”

Which, according to apocryphal reports, was the beginning of a secret, interfaith plan to alleviate more than 60 years of tension in the State of Israel: a plan to withdraw all political and religious entities from the city considered holy to all three religions, turn over the rights to the Disney Corporation, and create Jerusalemland. The plan calls for replacing the contentious area with a simulated, sanitized, admission-by-ticket holy city, with costumed characters portraying famous Arabs, Christians and Jews, beeper-controlled lines for praying at exact replicas of the Wailing Wall, the Dome of the Rock and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, a prayer-themed ride called “It’s a Small Mosque After All,” and a daily musical March of the Saints and Martyrs of all faiths and cultures.

With progress toward a political settlement between Israel and the Palestinian Authority at a typical standstill, the Disney plan is gaining popularity, political traction and Wall Street buzz. An unnamed Disney spokesperson recently revealed that the company will soon launch a  website that will take pre-opening reservations for Lunch with Mohammed, Jesus and/or Moses.

Full details of these plans are available at the Center for Reporting About Peace.

The post Five shocking, secret plans for a nation at wars appeared first on Occasional Planet.

[A CNN poll, released on Dec. 23, 2010, offers some encouraging news–and perhaps a word of caution– for President Obama.]

Two nights before Christmas, surveying the land,

A poll put good news in the President’s hand.

Fifty six of a hundred folks made this confession:

“Obama did well in this year’s lame-duck session.”

The Republicans’ rating was just forty-two.

Oh, the damage that Senate obstruction can do!

Even Congress’ Democrats, damaged by voters,

Got forty-six, trumping GOP gloaters.

But it didn’t stop there, for on further inspection,

The surveyed said they like Obama’s direction.

Fifty-five say, “He’s moving our country correctly,”

With the GOP going the wrong way directly.

And out of 100, fifty-nine said,

“In reaching for compromise, Obama’s ahead.”

While just twenty-eight, who cannot be faking,

Saw Republicans doing the giving and taking.

“So, who is the source of the blockading passion,”

The surveyors asked, in surveyor fashion.

Here, Republicans won with a margin quite great:

46 to 28.

The lesson we learn from this poll is enlightening,

There’s a bit of good news, but the future is frightening.

Though some think the GOP’s good for the U.S.,

We’ll have to be careful, or else they will screw us.

–Gloria Bilchik

The post A gift to the President from the north “poll” appeared first on Occasional Planet.