Would you like to visit a far away place called the Land of Truth? If the answer is yes, you may discover it’s not easy to find. In truth, it’s a place shrouded in mystery—so distant and unfamiliar many of us have forgotten it even exists. To get there, just squint your eyes and gaze to the far horizon. As you focus into the distance, remember to gaze past the shores of the Land of Spin and the Land of Lies. Steel yourself, for you’ll need to resist the comforts and easy seductions of those less-taxing destinations.
If on the journey your determination wanes and you can’t quite make it to the promised land on your own, there’s actually someone out there waiting to shepherd you onward. If you haven’t made his acquaintance yet, let me introduce you to satirist and guide-extraordinaire Andy Borowitz, author of The Borowitz Report.
This past week Andy focused his satiric gaze on the foibles of the press and President Obama’s public response to the controversy surrounding the cancellation of below-par health-insurance policies. Here’s Andy’s take on what he imagines Obama would have said if he were to find himself on that far shore:
Obama says: Americans Can Keep Their Damn Insurance
Faced with a barrage of new questions about the Affordable Care Act, President Obama cut short a White House press conference today, telling the stunned press corps, “You know what? Everybody can keep their damn insurance.”
Glaring at the reporters, the President continued, “You heard me. If your insurance is crappy, then you just go ahead and keep it-the crappier, the better. Let’s pretend this whole thing never happened.”
A vein in his forehead visibly throbbing, the President added, “You know, I really wish I hadn’t spent the last three years of my life on this thing. I should’ve just gone around invading countries for no reason. That would’ve made everybody happy. Well, live and learn.”
As the reporters averted their eyes from the President, many of them looking awkwardly at their shoes, he concluded his remarks: “All those people out there who want to repeal Obamacare? Well, guess what: I’ll make their day and repeal it myself. Really, it’s my pleasure. But I swear that this is the last time I try to do something nice for anybody.”