Washington DC’s NFL football team changes its name today

The NFL’s Washington, DC. team has announced that it is officially changing its name to something more politically correct and less racially insensitive. Native American groups have long advocated for a change to bring the team’s image in line with modern sensibilities. While the new name does not address many fans’ desire for the team to become more like others named after ferocious, untamed, predatory animals, the new moniker presents a wealth of new marketing opportunities, says highly unpopular team owner Dan Snyder.

“The new name is a happy hybrid, allowing us to retain our team’s longstanding, beloved [by me] racially inappropriate identity, while offering a sponsorship-friendly tie-in, and also saving me a wagon-load of wampum in lawyers’ fees,” said Snyder.

As of April 1, 2014, the team will be called the “Washington Redskin Potatoes.” Its mascot will be a character beloved by generations of children—Mr. Potato Head, who will roll around on the field and pierce himself with a fork during Half (Baked) Time. Other changes at the stadium will complement the team’s new identity as well: Before each home game, the stadium will be preheated to 350 degrees. Potatoes au gratin will be served gratis, the official team dance will be the Monster Mash, and the team’s new victory chant will be, “Pass the butter.”

Reportedly, former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle initially received a large consulting fee to advise the team on the proper spelling of the new name. His fee was later revoked when the 8-year-old son of the team’s equipment manager informed a stunned board of directors that potato does not end in “e,” thus necessitating the reprinting of 5,000 bushels of fan t-shirts emblazoned with “Proud to be a Potatoe.”

The rebranded team’s first pre-season game will be against Cleveland. Already demonstrating their identification with the team’s new name, Washington fans have begun creating banners with the rallying cry, “Hash the Browns.”